Chapter One

I wrote this in August 2015 and posted it on Facebook. I wanted to share this for those who are stepping into my story mid-chapter.

I am not a blogger so this will probably be the longest post that you will have to endure from me. This is not for sympathy or pity; exactly the opposite. My intent is to encourage and empower those out there who are like me: you keep moving, keep doing for others, all the while neglecting you. Only those closest to me know of my struggle with depression and anxiety. I can put up a brave front while I am dying inside. I stay in constant motion as to not give in to the luxury of depression. Of course, much of what I go through is chemical, but the majority is from my past. If letting go were easy it would have been done years ago, but there are certain events that engrave a cavern in the soul that cannot be erased; words and actions that infiltrate DNA and become attached to the very essence of who we are.

Days of depression turn into a lifetime: a lifetime of coping in the most convenient ways for the ones that I love. My biggest hurt was to think that my family would have to feel the pain and self-loathing that I had for myself which is in no way a reflection of them or their love for me. I allowed my personality to disappear into an imaginary persona that would be pleasing to everyone; no real likes or dislikes, just complacency.

During a really difficult time in my struggle, I had an old friend tell me “you are a warm shining lantern in a dark dense forest.” I had always thought that I was the forest. How was I conveying light? I slowly started to realize that my situation was not unique. So many others feel the same way that I feel; like the forest. But to this person, I had shown an ounce of kindness that helped them through that moment. How often do we discount our actions? How many times do we underestimate the power of caring?

Since that time, I have done some deeply painful soul-searching. I have grieved the “what could have beens” and given thanks for what life has so undeservingly blessed me with. I have become more deliberate with praise and much more generous with hugs. I have vowed to be present in mind, not only in body. I’m working on finding out who I really am, and hoping that it is someone that others can accept and love, but more importantly, someone that I can love.

I chose this tattoo as a constant reminder; that I am a warm shining lantern in a dark dense forest.