I Am Not a Licensed Therapist...

In the middle of trying to finally take responsibility for myself and get my shit together, I came up with this great idea to write; not only write, but to blog and share my Crazy with the general public. I mean really, do most of you come up with your very best ideas at 4 a.m.?Yeah, me neither.
While my brain is spewing words via my fingertips, I have complete tunnel vision. My intent is to get this out of me! If I speak it, I own it, it does not own me. I really didn't think that very many people would care enough to read my ramblings. I was wrong. I've been wrong before.

I knew that there would be gawkers; those who really do not have a personal investment in me and who would read for entertainment or who would see my pain as amusing. After all, this is a blog. It is not a private message sent between close friends. I hung my granny panties on the clothes line for the world to see.Judge like you are sitting on the Supreme Court.  My give-a-shit is broken.

There were those who got it; who started putting together the pieces of the puzzle.  Those who looked past the mask that I'd been wearing for 30+ years and saw the unedited version of Me. There were friends who have known me from the beginning of my life who did not have a clue of what was happening behind closed doors. Hell, I have family that didn't know and some who are still happily oblivious.

And then there were the private messages and texts from women who had lived and fought through the same ugliness. I had opened a confessional. I held the "Master Lantern" to guide someone out of the cave of loneliness and darkness housing her self-hate and humiliation. My initial reaction was shock. Then I wanted to help everybody, but in the same breath:Panic. I am such a mess!  How can I be of use to anyone when I can't get a hold on myself?

Then a shining ray of light illuminated my angelic face and wisdom was bestowed upon me... Just kidding.

Then I took a deep breathe and had an actual, rational thought. People are not looking to me for answers or to solve their catastrophes.  They are searching for someone who has weathered the storm and made it out alive. They needed to be reminded that shitty things happen to all of us and that they can be honest with themselves and other. They are needing a flawed person to hear their story and to not judge them for it. I can do that!