Smile :)

We are told to never give up hope; that there is always some glimmer of a chance that the universe will cast its favor upon you. Within a week I have gone from hopefully optimistic to devastated and to resolve.In this moment I feel absolutely ridiculous for making this an issue. Earlier today it was my focus and heartache.

Sixteen years ago I woke up with half of my face paralyzed; Bell's Palsy. Nothing serious. After five weeks and medication my face returned to normal. A month later; Bell's Palsy. Instead of getting medication that would correct my facial paralysis I endured months of tests just to confirm that it was only... Bell's Palsy. Unfortunately, the left side of my face never fully recovered, resulting in my crooked smile. I was told that I would just have to live with the face that I was now graced with. I never fully accepted it, but hey, what do you do?

And then there was last week. I was in my doctor's office for a routine check-up. He mentioned my face which instantly made me self conscious. In a conversational tone he suggested that there may be treatments available now that were not available 16 years ago. I was still sitting there overly self-aware that he had noticed my lopsided face.After I left his office the wheels started turning. What if I could have a normal smile? What if I could feel pretty?

So I flew into my typical Type A mode: research, more research, referral to neurologist, appointment made. It normally takes a month to get an appointment, but the heavens had smiled down on me in the form of a cancellation. My appointment was today. Surely this was a sign or karmic repayment.

I walked into the doctor's office with hope and left in tears. She could not help me. I was broken. I moped around in a sea of self-pity. I acted as if I had been given a fatal diagnosis.

Only after a proper pity party did I gain clarity; I hadn't lost anything. I was still a healthy human being with a crooked smile. The same person that I was a week ago and years before. I was given a gift hidden in my imperfection. I placed entirely too much value on appearance. Not of others, but only for myself. I wouldn't dare speak to another person in the tone of my own personal monologue.

So I am back to reality. I have temporarily regained my sanity. Priorities have been reshuffled to the proper order. I am giving up hope; giving up the hope that I will have a "normal" smile, but very grateful that I have something to smile about.

  And I feel a little bit stupid...